It's been a hard month
One of the most important things in life, to me, will always be my family. That being said please bare with me..because this blog is the hardest one for me to write.
My Grandma (my dad's mom), turned 91 in June. She was spunky and lively, she loved crocheting and was the best at it. When Kylie was about 4 she crocheted her a dress.Its purple and white..I loved it..I had one kinda like it when I was little.She made tons of things from a stuffed Lassie dog to baby blankets, hoodies, booties, and doll clothes. Whenever I had a baby I would get a "pack" from her which had a blanket, a hat, booties, and a dress. Maybe that is why I loved the dress so much...it brought back so many memories of simpler times...worry free times. So in June, we celebrated her turning 91, right? Well...In July at her Dr. appointment she was diagnosed with early onset Dementia, or Alzheimer disease. When my mom told me this I thought that surely the Dr. had read the results wrong..its just a misdiagnosis which can and does happen..they got it wrong. NOT MY GRANDMA.
Turns out NO they didn't misdiagnosis her...it was spot on. It runs in the family. Slowly mom started sharing things with me like she was forgetting things...like where she was, forgetting to feed herself, forgetting what day of the week it is. One time she forgot how to crochet, she had been doing this activity for 30+ years. I was worried for my Grandma's health and her safety. She lived alone.And had since my Grandpa Seymour died from Cancer..so about 40+ years. I knew that just weeks after being diagnosed that she was heading down a road that I knew I couldn't travel with her. I didn't want to think of the outcome, and what I knew what was going to eventually happen. So as dire as the outcome COULD be I thought in the back of my mind that she would stick around long enough for a cure...we are so close to a cure.
In the middle of August, in the early evening hours I received a phone call from my mom asking me to come and pick up dad from the hospital and to take him home...ummmm wait what's wrong with dad"?
"oh, nothing...its Grandma"
"what's going on, MOM"??
( this is my dad, I had never seen him cry before..it was hard for me to watch him. His health is rapidly declining and that scares me. He can't walk very well...his balance is off and so he uses a walker. He's only 56. )
She told me that Grandma had fallen and was incoherent. Earlier in the day Grandma had called my mom 15 times at work..wondering when my mom was going to come and pick her up to get groceries. (They had a standing date every Sat) Then mom said that during her lunch hour..she got an uneasy feeling...a prompting to go check on her came to mind. She dismissed it. ** Remind me to NEVER dismiss a prompting!!!
After my mom got off work, she picked up my sister and they went to check on her.. Grandma had fallen by her bed. She was naked because it was so hot in her house. She lives in a trailer and those things are like ovens...super hot! It was 102 degrees in her house. Her breathing was labored and slight. She lost control of all her bodily functions. Mom and Steph called 911.
She was given the Dx, of Pneumonia, and a bladder infection and she was SEVERELY dehydrated. She spent 3 weeks in the hospital. The ER Doc said that if mom didn't find her when she did...she could have died, she was already"circling the drain". I felt as if I had been sucker punched in the stomach...but I had to be strong...I can't break down..I remember thinking that for my mom. It was hard...but I was convinced that we needed to put her with a 24 hour care giver. Or I hate to say it but maybe a rest home was the best option for her. Then she spent about a month in Promintary Care...where there was rehab and nurses there to help care for her until she was strong enough to come home.
It was decided that my cousin, Kim would come up from Burley and she would move in and take care of Grandma. She was to the point where it was no longer safe to leave her alone.
After she came home...she downward spiraled. Hospice was brought in. Days after coming home...her lungs were filling up with fluid and they could only make her comfortable. I read a post on FB about what an awesome women she was...and I was floored...she passed and NO ONE called me???!!! When I got a hold of Tammy June...I was told that Hospice care had given her anywhere from 1 hour to a day at the most. " I'm on my way"
And Ken said that he would take care of the kids...and for me to just go spend time with my Grandma. So that is what I did.
I spent about 2 and a half hours there. It was something that I didn't want to do, I didn't want to tell her goodbye. I knew that she was in a lot of pain, and she was struggling to breathe. She was having shots of Morphine orally. I didn't want to see her suffer...nobody should suffer. But she was the one who taught me how to crochet, she introduced me to Love Connection, Threes Company, TV dinners. She loved me for me I didn't have to be the oldest kid when I was there. I could just be me and she loved me.
Before I left I told her it was OK to let go.She looked like she was in a deep sleep. So I kissed her forehead, told her that I loved her and drove home.
All day Friday I cried. Sat I had toned it down a little.
Sunday morning at 5:30 she let go, and took her last breath.
Kim called me at7 am, to tell me. I balled all morning long, I didn't want to go to church, I wanted to just stay at home. But it was our Primary Program...so I had to go. It was hard to do, but hearing all the children bear their testimonies about families and how we can be together forever...really helped.
Her funeral was Friday, Oct. 2. Sam had never been to a funeral with an open casket so he kept walking up there and looking at her.
"Mom, she's not dead....she's just sleeping....look".
AHH, the honesty of children. Sometimes its a blessing, other times...I could live with out those comments.
"Mom....why are you so sad? Don't you know she's with Heavenly Father??"
Yeah, I had to keep reminding myself of that. I was standing near Kim when the casket was closed...she broke down saying how she is never gonna see her again. I told her that Gramma is in a better place, a place where there is no pain. She just knows happiness. She is free from a body and mind that she had no control over anymore.
It was a lovely service..and I'm glad that I was able to know her. And I know that I will see her again. I am just still sad, I keep thinking that I should have went and seen her more...but I have to let this guilt go..its not doing me any good.
I can still hear her voice calling me "kid", she called everyone "kid" it was her thing. I will always remember the good times we had crocheting together.
Until we meet again, Grandma! I love you!
Turns out NO they didn't misdiagnosis her...it was spot on. It runs in the family. Slowly mom started sharing things with me like she was forgetting things...like where she was, forgetting to feed herself, forgetting what day of the week it is. One time she forgot how to crochet, she had been doing this activity for 30+ years. I was worried for my Grandma's health and her safety. She lived alone.And had since my Grandpa Seymour died from Cancer..so about 40+ years. I knew that just weeks after being diagnosed that she was heading down a road that I knew I couldn't travel with her. I didn't want to think of the outcome, and what I knew what was going to eventually happen. So as dire as the outcome COULD be I thought in the back of my mind that she would stick around long enough for a cure...we are so close to a cure.
In the middle of August, in the early evening hours I received a phone call from my mom asking me to come and pick up dad from the hospital and to take him home...ummmm wait what's wrong with dad"?
"oh, nothing...its Grandma"
"what's going on, MOM"??
( this is my dad, I had never seen him cry before..it was hard for me to watch him. His health is rapidly declining and that scares me. He can't walk very well...his balance is off and so he uses a walker. He's only 56. )
She told me that Grandma had fallen and was incoherent. Earlier in the day Grandma had called my mom 15 times at work..wondering when my mom was going to come and pick her up to get groceries. (They had a standing date every Sat) Then mom said that during her lunch hour..she got an uneasy feeling...a prompting to go check on her came to mind. She dismissed it. ** Remind me to NEVER dismiss a prompting!!!
After my mom got off work, she picked up my sister and they went to check on her.. Grandma had fallen by her bed. She was naked because it was so hot in her house. She lives in a trailer and those things are like ovens...super hot! It was 102 degrees in her house. Her breathing was labored and slight. She lost control of all her bodily functions. Mom and Steph called 911.
She was given the Dx, of Pneumonia, and a bladder infection and she was SEVERELY dehydrated. She spent 3 weeks in the hospital. The ER Doc said that if mom didn't find her when she did...she could have died, she was already"circling the drain". I felt as if I had been sucker punched in the stomach...but I had to be strong...I can't break down..I remember thinking that for my mom. It was hard...but I was convinced that we needed to put her with a 24 hour care giver. Or I hate to say it but maybe a rest home was the best option for her. Then she spent about a month in Promintary Care...where there was rehab and nurses there to help care for her until she was strong enough to come home.
It was decided that my cousin, Kim would come up from Burley and she would move in and take care of Grandma. She was to the point where it was no longer safe to leave her alone.
After she came home...she downward spiraled. Hospice was brought in. Days after coming home...her lungs were filling up with fluid and they could only make her comfortable. I read a post on FB about what an awesome women she was...and I was floored...she passed and NO ONE called me???!!! When I got a hold of Tammy June...I was told that Hospice care had given her anywhere from 1 hour to a day at the most. " I'm on my way"
And Ken said that he would take care of the kids...and for me to just go spend time with my Grandma. So that is what I did.
I spent about 2 and a half hours there. It was something that I didn't want to do, I didn't want to tell her goodbye. I knew that she was in a lot of pain, and she was struggling to breathe. She was having shots of Morphine orally. I didn't want to see her suffer...nobody should suffer. But she was the one who taught me how to crochet, she introduced me to Love Connection, Threes Company, TV dinners. She loved me for me I didn't have to be the oldest kid when I was there. I could just be me and she loved me.
Before I left I told her it was OK to let go.She looked like she was in a deep sleep. So I kissed her forehead, told her that I loved her and drove home.
All day Friday I cried. Sat I had toned it down a little.
Sunday morning at 5:30 she let go, and took her last breath.
Kim called me at7 am, to tell me. I balled all morning long, I didn't want to go to church, I wanted to just stay at home. But it was our Primary Program...so I had to go. It was hard to do, but hearing all the children bear their testimonies about families and how we can be together forever...really helped.
Her funeral was Friday, Oct. 2. Sam had never been to a funeral with an open casket so he kept walking up there and looking at her.
"Mom, she's not dead....she's just sleeping....look".
AHH, the honesty of children. Sometimes its a blessing, other times...I could live with out those comments.
"Mom....why are you so sad? Don't you know she's with Heavenly Father??"
Yeah, I had to keep reminding myself of that. I was standing near Kim when the casket was closed...she broke down saying how she is never gonna see her again. I told her that Gramma is in a better place, a place where there is no pain. She just knows happiness. She is free from a body and mind that she had no control over anymore.
It was a lovely service..and I'm glad that I was able to know her. And I know that I will see her again. I am just still sad, I keep thinking that I should have went and seen her more...but I have to let this guilt go..its not doing me any good.
I can still hear her voice calling me "kid", she called everyone "kid" it was her thing. I will always remember the good times we had crocheting together.
Until we meet again, Grandma! I love you!
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