It was suppose to be my moment of joy.

So the last time I left off I had just finished the July 4th Firecracker run, which was held on a Saturday. The following Tuesday outta nowhere Kylie and I were doing 21 Day Fix Lower Fix...(which is AMAZING BTW) when I had 10 min left of the workout I had to stop because the pain was so bad an intense and it was in the same spot..in my lower left quadrant. I had to stop for about 10 minutes...there was just no way I could finish...then it left again. Kylie was worried and she said, " You better tell Dad."  So I sent Ken a txt telling him it happened again. He shot me one back saying that we have no idea what is going on...and that I better go into the Dr.

This is what I was doing on the  inside!! I really didn't want to go..I thought that I had it all figured out. Reluctantly....I made the call and was into to see my Dr. on 14th of July. (NO.. I didn't push it back until then..they are just a super busy clinic...and I did NOT want to go to the stupid ER.)

So I knew without a doubt that it was an ovarian cyst. Possibly more than one..they are fairly common in women during childbearing years so no biggie. I explained what was going on to the MA, who took height, weight, vital signs, and a urine sample. 

She told me that there could be a number of things wrong(Thank you for that...that's why I'm here). We were gonna start with the dreaded PAP. YUCK!!

So as comfortable as one can get on the exam table bottomless oh and the MA never told me WHERE the paper sheets are kept neither did she bother to grab me one...so I'm up on the table bottomless...when Doc walks in...he takes one look at me and asks where the sheet is...I told him I didn't know I wasn't given one. As he is checking the drawers for one...I can feel my face flush red.

As quick as I can I cover up my lower half with the sheet. And he asks me all these questions about what's going on and how long have I had the pain. I told him I thought it was just a cyst on my ovary.  I causally mentioned that we have been trying to have our last baby for about 2 years. He said" your not pregnant are you?"

" No, I'm not even late until the 26." 

After the pap...he had to manual examine said area(lower left quadrant) at present time it didn't hurt much but was still quit tender..I yelled as he pushed down then with my feet still in the stir-ups he told me I could get dressed and he was out of the room. 

I waited in the room for NO JOKE 25minutes...I was just glad that I brought my book. When suddenly I had this thought of ..."I guess I could be pregnant...but I'm sure that's not it" I didn't want to get my hopes up.

5 minutes later Dr. Robison knocks on the door and enters..

when outta no where he states" Yeah...so your pregnancy test came back positive.

Ya know how in movies,tv shows the actors say their lines in slow-mo?? yeah that is what was happening right then. 

It took me a minute and I said " Are you serious?"

"Yes, Congratulations"

I put both my hands up to cover my nose...this is what I had been dreaming of for the past 2 years..I thought for sure that I had a cyst and it turns out I was pregnant.

Now before you do the happy dance....it wasn't all great news. 

" Wait....could it be ectopic?"

" I'm not sure."

Then he left the room again. 5 minutes later I was taken back to Darla...the Ultra Sound Technician. Where she preformed an ultrasound. I was so happy...I was pregnant...but she couldn't see any baby.

So after leaving Darla I went back to Sheila to get a set of labs drawn. To see how much HCG (pregnancy hormone) my body was producing. I was told to come back on Thursday to see if it was rising or if my body was miscarrying.

I told Ken and you can imagine how happy we were. It wasn't at all what we thought. I have wanted a baby for what seemed like forever and NOW we were finally going to have one.We weren't going to tell the kids at first but I was so happy that I couldn't help it. Ken and I told the older girls...I wanted to wait to tell Sam. Something just told me to hold on...don't tell him yet. 

For the next day and a half I was so happy...sending Ken little txts about me being pregnant. 

Then I went in for my HCG blood test and the waiting for the results was torture...finally 5 O'clock came around and Doc called.

My levels a day and a half ago were 1750. They had dropped to 500.M y body, the one that I had worked so hard for, I had lost all this weight for....was miscarrying the baby. Doc was sure that it was ectopic..which means that instead of the baby implanting itself in the uterus like a normal pregnancy..it's trying to implant in the Fallopian tube or it got stuck in the tube  while trying to make its way to my uterus. 

 It was really hard for me to take...I felt like I let everyone down. I feel like a failure. My own body failed me. I didn't want to be the one to have to tell Ken. That it's my fault. My body failed us. I'm to blame. All my hopes and dreams just shattered.

I saw our future with daughter #4 slip through my fingers. He took one look at me and rushed me into our bedroom...where I told him everything that I was told. 

The rest of the summer I was kept a close eye on in the Dr.office...I had to go in weekly for blood draws to make sure that I miscarried the baby successfully. It was a hard lesson to learn. I leaned on my Savior a LOT this summer...I know that I will see my child one day. It still is a sensitive subject and its something that is close to my heart. I can't possibly imagine going through this pain again..like my mom. She miscarried 4 times. I know it was for the best.But it still hurts....sometimes.