My Lovely Lady Lumps
In May I went in to the Dr. office for my yearly exam and to refill those pesky Thyroid medicine, because let's face it...when I don't have that medicine...I'm not my self and I yell and snap at people (my kids) all the time...since I do not like feeling that way it's best that I stay on top of having enough of those pills. I call them my happy pills...because they make me feel normal..like how I used to before I had all my kids..
Sorry....I forgot where I was in my story... OH yeah. So I knew that my appointment was coming up. One day before I got into the shower...I was examining my breast and I paused for about a minute..."Is that a.....LUMP?!" Then I noticed that I thought I had seen some rippling on the other side I DO know that seeing rippling of any kind in the breasts...is not a good thing.
At the end of April, I was preparing that week to issue ISAT testing for school District #91 so I really couldn't call out...I thought well...I know I have that appointment coming up.. but the whole time these thoughts keep running through my head. "Well...I've been lifting a lot of weights,maybe it's muscle." Or " lots of women get lumps maybe it will just go away by the time I go into see Dr. Matt". " Maybe it's cancer and I have caught it early?" Later on in the week...I even had Ken feel it and see if maybe he could feel it and if it's gotten bigger or smaller. He told me he could feel something there but...he just thought it was muscle. After that I really didn't pay that much attention to it and just went on business as usual.
SO finally the day of the appointment rolls around and I am happy going in to finally see him...totally have forgotten about my lumpy friend. He does the pelvic exam and then I have to lie back for the breast exam...we were talking about the Extreme Nerd Book Year-Long reading challenge that I have been trying to finish..at this point I talking about the current book I was on which was Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban. He was telling me a joke...when in the middle of it his face becomes very serious and he says there is definable lump there...Does breast cancer run in your family?
I felt the air get sucked out of me like someone punched me in the stomach and it took me a minute or two to register that he had asked me a question. I think so...I can't recall right now at the moment.. then I told him about the rippling on my right side..he says very matter of factually that "we'll have to get you scheduled for a mammogram".
"Yeah..ok"
Then we continue to talk about different options for trying to get pregnant with #4. We have been trying for a while and it's coming up on 2 years since I miscarried. But while he was telling me the next steps...I was thinking" well...wait....I'm not going to do any of these things..until I know for sure that I am healthy and cancer free".
I was finally in the car and I cried for about 10 minutes in the parking lot..just so scared. I have had friends pass away from cancer. I've seen all the suffering and the sickness and the pain...is that really in store for me? Am I going to survive this...have I caught it early enough that the treatment will put me into remission OR am I too late and the treatment will not work and I will be taken home? Am I going to be able to see my kids grow up and date? Will I see them graduate high school? Serve missions? Be married? Will I be able to help my daughters after they have kids...and be the kind of Grandma that I had growing up?? Am I going to grow old with my sweetheart and just live my everyday with him?
So I finally made it home...when I knew that this isn't the kind of information that one sends over a text message. I had to call Ken...I had to tell him. This was the hardest phone call that I have had to make. Stunned silence....I can only imagine how he felt..thinking that today was a great day and then the rug gets pulled out from him. He was not the same that day...coworkers noticed that he was different. And so was I. While I was talking to Ken someone came to the door and I had to let Ken get back to work Not that he could concentrate on much anyways.It was Grandpa. He knew right away that something odd was happening..he told me that when he came back on Saturday for Ken's b-day party ( nice timing huh?) he would help Ken give me a priesthood blessing and that those lumps would go away.
I just smiled and I thought to myself " But Grandpa...what if that is not what the Lord has in store for me?" So I just said, "That would be great".
Then I was told to not worry about it.
Like HELLO!!!!!??? My whole world has been turned upside down...how exactly am I not suppose to worry about it.
Ken was so supportive...reassuring me that we would get through this...that he loves me no matter what. That it didn't matter if I ended up having a mastectomy or not it wouldn't change the fact that he loves me. After this....we had to tell the kids...I tried to put it off for as long as I could. They were all shocked...Sam kept telling me that he loves me and that he doesn't want to loose me. And that he didn't want me to leave if I was called back home. It was a very emotional night for us.
The next morning I just laid in bed for about 15 minutes thinking " Did yesterday REALLY happen".
How am I going to get through this. How am I suppose to get through the next 2 weeks NOT knowing.
But before I knew it....Saturday had came. Most of the family members and friends were still there...and Grandpa was getting ready to leave but before he left, He and Ken gave me a blessing.
Telling me that" the lumps would go away, that my Thyroid issues would go away and that my body would heal itself so that I would be able to bring more children into our home". I immediately started to cry because I stopped thinking about having our last child. It had been so long...I mean when we first started trying Sam was at the end of Pre-School and now he just finished up 2nd grade. And then the miscarriage...I thought that maybe that was it for us and that ....I'd get to raise that baby during the Second Coming. But for now that ache for another child was put on the back burner.
I also started to cry because I know that Grandpa didn't know about this...he couldn't have. I don't really talk about this with him. He was the mouth piece for Heavenly Father...Ken wasn't sure if he could do that part. You hear stories of men who give blessings and say the wrong thing and then that person wasn't healed. Ken wasn't sure if it was something that could come from himself OR from Heavenly Father.. I don't blame him...
I was stunned. I just didn't know what to say except for Thank you. The line comes back to me "I stand all amazed at the love Jesus offers me...Confused at the Grace that so fully he proffers me"
I am in tears as I write this because I am so Grateful that I am still here.
Sorry....I forgot where I was in my story... OH yeah. So I knew that my appointment was coming up. One day before I got into the shower...I was examining my breast and I paused for about a minute..."Is that a.....LUMP?!" Then I noticed that I thought I had seen some rippling on the other side I DO know that seeing rippling of any kind in the breasts...is not a good thing.
At the end of April, I was preparing that week to issue ISAT testing for school District #91 so I really couldn't call out...I thought well...I know I have that appointment coming up.. but the whole time these thoughts keep running through my head. "Well...I've been lifting a lot of weights,maybe it's muscle." Or " lots of women get lumps maybe it will just go away by the time I go into see Dr. Matt". " Maybe it's cancer and I have caught it early?" Later on in the week...I even had Ken feel it and see if maybe he could feel it and if it's gotten bigger or smaller. He told me he could feel something there but...he just thought it was muscle. After that I really didn't pay that much attention to it and just went on business as usual.
SO finally the day of the appointment rolls around and I am happy going in to finally see him...totally have forgotten about my lumpy friend. He does the pelvic exam and then I have to lie back for the breast exam...we were talking about the Extreme Nerd Book Year-Long reading challenge that I have been trying to finish..at this point I talking about the current book I was on which was Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban. He was telling me a joke...when in the middle of it his face becomes very serious and he says there is definable lump there...Does breast cancer run in your family?
I felt the air get sucked out of me like someone punched me in the stomach and it took me a minute or two to register that he had asked me a question. I think so...I can't recall right now at the moment.. then I told him about the rippling on my right side..he says very matter of factually that "we'll have to get you scheduled for a mammogram".
"Yeah..ok"
Then we continue to talk about different options for trying to get pregnant with #4. We have been trying for a while and it's coming up on 2 years since I miscarried. But while he was telling me the next steps...I was thinking" well...wait....I'm not going to do any of these things..until I know for sure that I am healthy and cancer free".
I was finally in the car and I cried for about 10 minutes in the parking lot..just so scared. I have had friends pass away from cancer. I've seen all the suffering and the sickness and the pain...is that really in store for me? Am I going to survive this...have I caught it early enough that the treatment will put me into remission OR am I too late and the treatment will not work and I will be taken home? Am I going to be able to see my kids grow up and date? Will I see them graduate high school? Serve missions? Be married? Will I be able to help my daughters after they have kids...and be the kind of Grandma that I had growing up?? Am I going to grow old with my sweetheart and just live my everyday with him?
So I finally made it home...when I knew that this isn't the kind of information that one sends over a text message. I had to call Ken...I had to tell him. This was the hardest phone call that I have had to make. Stunned silence....I can only imagine how he felt..thinking that today was a great day and then the rug gets pulled out from him. He was not the same that day...coworkers noticed that he was different. And so was I. While I was talking to Ken someone came to the door and I had to let Ken get back to work Not that he could concentrate on much anyways.It was Grandpa. He knew right away that something odd was happening..he told me that when he came back on Saturday for Ken's b-day party ( nice timing huh?) he would help Ken give me a priesthood blessing and that those lumps would go away.
I just smiled and I thought to myself " But Grandpa...what if that is not what the Lord has in store for me?" So I just said, "That would be great".
Then I was told to not worry about it.
Like HELLO!!!!!??? My whole world has been turned upside down...how exactly am I not suppose to worry about it.
Ken was so supportive...reassuring me that we would get through this...that he loves me no matter what. That it didn't matter if I ended up having a mastectomy or not it wouldn't change the fact that he loves me. After this....we had to tell the kids...I tried to put it off for as long as I could. They were all shocked...Sam kept telling me that he loves me and that he doesn't want to loose me. And that he didn't want me to leave if I was called back home. It was a very emotional night for us.
The next morning I just laid in bed for about 15 minutes thinking " Did yesterday REALLY happen".
How am I going to get through this. How am I suppose to get through the next 2 weeks NOT knowing.
But before I knew it....Saturday had came. Most of the family members and friends were still there...and Grandpa was getting ready to leave but before he left, He and Ken gave me a blessing.
Telling me that" the lumps would go away, that my Thyroid issues would go away and that my body would heal itself so that I would be able to bring more children into our home". I immediately started to cry because I stopped thinking about having our last child. It had been so long...I mean when we first started trying Sam was at the end of Pre-School and now he just finished up 2nd grade. And then the miscarriage...I thought that maybe that was it for us and that ....I'd get to raise that baby during the Second Coming. But for now that ache for another child was put on the back burner.
I also started to cry because I know that Grandpa didn't know about this...he couldn't have. I don't really talk about this with him. He was the mouth piece for Heavenly Father...Ken wasn't sure if he could do that part. You hear stories of men who give blessings and say the wrong thing and then that person wasn't healed. Ken wasn't sure if it was something that could come from himself OR from Heavenly Father.. I don't blame him...
I was stunned. I just didn't know what to say except for Thank you. The line comes back to me "I stand all amazed at the love Jesus offers me...Confused at the Grace that so fully he proffers me"
I am in tears as I write this because I am so Grateful that I am still here.
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