I almost surrendered

It has been a really long time since I have blogged last and I know that I said I was going to blog about Girls Camp..but I will eventually get to that..but these last 2 weeks have been so hard.

Like harder than normal...I felt myself wanting to give in and give up to the pain in my heart.  I thought that this latest trial would break me...I feel as though I have noghting left to give. What am I suppose to learn from this that I haven't already learned from the last one.


Well...I'll start from the beginning to get you guys caught up. I am a substitute teacher and I was subbing for my son's class for about 3 weeks because his teacher had to have surgery and she was out for a while. So I'm subbing for this teacher who is great and I sometimes wonder if I'm even qualified to fill her shoes cuz guys teaching is H.A.R.D!!!

And I've known most of these kids for a while...I subbed last year for and so for the most part I'm pretty comfortable with the kids... and to be quit honest I just adore.. I mean they sure can talk your ear off and TOTALLY get you off track if your not carefull...but I just adore some of thme to pieces.

**Side note before I was able to sub for 3 weeks they had another sub teacher who had them for about 2 weeks. She would tell them that they are a horrible class and that she hated them! HELLO!!! You don't tell kids that....get out of the profession if you hate kids that bad!***

Any way I was getting ready to teach one morning and I just didn't feel well...like just the thought of brushing my teeth was already making me gag. Which is weird because the only time I felt like this was when I was pregnant with daughter #2.

My thinking was "Great! One of the kiddos got me sick.. I cant' be sick...I'm the sub!"

I popped some mint gum in my mouth and off I went on my way.  And I really didn't think anything about it until Friday....when I began to realize that I was late...and again the thought of brushing my teeth made me sick. And I thought well....I can't do anything about it now...I have to go to school.

Sat morning came and I woke up pretty early. I finally had some answers...

I quickly called Ken into the bathroom to look at this. When I first looked at it...I was taken back..because the color on it was sooo light...I left the bathroom thinking that I didn't want to get my hopes up and then be disappointed with a false positive. But I called Ken in to look and see..

YES!!! I was Pregnant!!! All the years of praying and heartache and Priesthood Blessings....finally my prayers were answered.

And so that would explain all the cravings for Whoppers from Burger King and why I was getting so sick over brushing my teeth. 

Later on this same Saturday, (Nov. 11) we were walking through Wal-Mart and I had the urge to walk through the baby section and look at all the clothes and items and I broke down in tears because FINALLY....FINALLY  it happened. I was so grateful. I just couldn't believe it! 

When this new baby was 15, Kylie would be 32. Which was weird to me...Sam pointed that out to me. I wanted to shout it from the rooftops!! I was sooo happy.

 I had this thought pop into the back of my mind that I shouldn't be telling people yet....I needed to wait. But what bad thing could happen??

We even told people at church...we were all excited!!

Then Monday morning rolled around. I got up like I normally do and I worked out, showered, then I started thinking about how I love my job and that made me really sad to miss out on all those fun opportunities to have subbing in my kids classes. And I just had a meltdown. Ken gave me a blessing and I felt at peace..that this was ok. 

I went back and sat on the couch and I felt like I had to go to the bathroom.

There is was...blood..

OH NO!

As soon as I saw it I knew something was wrong...my heart leaped into my throat and I called Ken. I had to call my boss and explain the situation and they'd have to make do with another sub until I got there. I got right into the Dr. office and they couldn't find anything...I wasn't in any kind of pain...there was just some blood. 

I had to have an ultrasound. NOTHING

I had to have blood work drawn. 

Dr. Gunderson came in and was nice and concerned. He addressed my fears and gave me a hopeful attitude that things would work out and be ok. 

I went on as normal.as possible. I went to work and carried on.  I had to go back in on Wed. morning to have more labs drawn to make sure that the HCG levels in my blood were increasing and not decreasing. 

Wednesday came and went without any problems..

Thursday came and I did my normal routine for mornings then when I got to work...about mid morning I started having cramps. I knew that it wasn't good. I took the kids to lunch and then...I went to the bathroom...and there was a lot of bright red blood...I called the Dr. 

Who confirmed my fears that my body was miscarrying again. 

I quickly got off the phone with him...and called Ken to break the news..and to be quit honest I don't remember this conversation at all...I was just stunned. And I knew I couldn't stay at work.

I went to go find the secretary..who I'm pretty sure was the only person who didn't know at Hawthorne. I just broke down in the teachers lounge. Then I thought that I should go tell Leslie that I'm going home for the day...I got all the way up to Leslie's classroom...to only remember that its' Thursday and she had pace. So she's not here. I told her teacher what had happened and they knew of my past history. She told me not to worry that she would handle my class.that I just needed to go home and rest. 

I did happen to tell one of my teacher friends that morning that I was pregnant...so before I left I told her that I lost the baby.

When I was at Girls camp we had to go on a hike and I went with Kylie onto Table-Rock. It's so hard This is how I'm feeling right now. I remember feeling like I just couldn't take one more step..I'll just wait right here and I wanted to stop several times...I felt alone...I felt abandoned. I felt betrayed by friends who have previously had done this hike but didn't bother to tell me how hard this one was. 

A lot of my feelings now are the same..I feel lost, abandoned and betrayed. Why

why was I only allowed to have 2 days of joy. I thought that this time would be different.  People keep telling me that the Lord loves me...but I'm honestly having a hard time seeing it and believing it. I feel as though my heart is torn in half. I feel like this trial will break me.  I don't know if I have enough strength left in me. 

I just don't understand I was promised in priesthood blessings that my Thyroid would heal and that I would be able to have more children...but that seems so far away. I wonder what am I doing wrong to be punished?  Yesterday was hard for me in church...because  the last time we went we told happy news...then I had to tell people sad news. Then throughout those meetings...I just kept feeling like a broken vessel. 

Maybe I am just a broken vessel for right now. 

I know that I will heal it will just take time.  I know maybe this baby just needed a body.. but I sure would have liked to hold it, and raise it. Maybe Jenny is taking care of my Genevieve. 

I liked to hope so. 

So for now that's all I have....

Hope.